Writing serves as therapy for me. I am in need of a bit right now…therapy, that is…so alas, I write.
Lately I have been pondering the natural progression of life – how it is a big mess of transcendent joy tangled with moments of seemingly cruel irony.
While seized up in the monotonous days of early motherhood, at times it seems that you are living “Groundhogs Day”… going through the same motions day after day…following the same routine…the same beautifully, comfortable routine. At times the comfortable repetition morphs into a sense of mundane drudgery – leaving you yearning for a different season. It’s kind of ridiculous how we, as humans, try to control the ebb and flow of life at times. We want to fast forward through the scenes of our lives that are uncomfortable and pause the moments that are full of happiness…fulfillment…and contentment.
Today was another reminder that life never has been - nor ever will be a state of uninterrupted bliss.
My little Boo entered Kindergarten today…reminding me, yet again, that I do not hold the remote…and pressing PAUSE was not an option.
My relationship is unique with each one of my children…because they are unique. There is no cookie cutter “Parent-Child” relationship...because the variables are too numerous to count. Each relationship is different…and precious.
Bradley was born with a sweet, sweet, tender heart. He feels so deeply. From the day he was born – he was my little buddy – everywhere I went, he followed. Everything I said, he had a question about. Everything I did, he noticed. I guess it’s fair to say that he is his Mama’s boy.
The realization that life was progressing to a new stage occurred during Kindergarten Open House. His new teacher had given him a goodie bag with several items in it. There was a little note stapled to the bag – explaining the significance of each item.
It read:
Kindergarten First Day Kit
Starburst: You will be a shining star in school if you smile and always do your best.
Penny: To remind you that you are a valuable member of our class.
Sticker: We will always stick together and help one another.
Smarties: You are going to learn SO much this year!
Eraser: Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes. That is how we learn.
Hershey Hug: We all need hugs now and then. If you need one, let me know.
Lifesaver: I am here to help you. Don’t be afraid to come to me if you need something.
I fought back the tears as I read these words…coming to the realization that these were all the things I have always done for him. I thought, “He is MY star! I am the one that reminds him of his worth! Boo and I always stick together…I teach him….I remind him that it’s okay to make mistakes! I am the one to give him a hug if he needs one! I help him! ME!”
While so grateful for such a wonderful teacher…I battled the feelings that naturally accompany the understanding that my life was about to change. Life, the way it had always been, was about to change and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Bradley has been excited for school – yet nervous for an unknown world. Last night, his anxiety peaked and he broke down at bedtime. He sobbed in my arms and said, “But mama! I’m going to miss you so much! I NEED you! I love you! What if I need you? What if I am shy? Nobody is going to play with me! I’m scared mama! I’m going to miss you!” It felt like my heart was going to burst. I pushed back my own emotional surges and calmed him as I rubbed his back and told him of the new, exciting world that was waiting for him. He finally fell asleep.
This morning he hopped out of bed-excited – ready – thrilled for his new stage of life.
Tom and I took the kids to school. Karah guided Bradley with her hand on his back as she led him through the halls.
We stopped at Karah’s classroom and quickly noticed that there weren’t other parents around. I could tell that Karah was noticing, too. I so wanted to go into class with her…help her hang her backpack up…take pictures of her sitting at her new desk…but new that the season had passed. She was a big girl…she knew the drill…not only did she want to do this on her own – she needed to do this on her own. I whispered and asked her if she wanted us to stay or if she rather we take Boo to his class. She smiled and said, “It’s okay for you to take Boo.” I could tell she didn’t want to hurt my feelings…but seriously did NOT want her parents cramping her 3rd grade style, either. A hug and a kiss and we left.
The lump in my throat threatened to burst…but I swallowed it, refusing to ruin Bradley’s big moment with my tears. Bradley’s big puppy paw hand rested in mine as we headed towards his classroom. We got further down the hall and all of the sudden I felt his hand drop. I looked to him, thinking he needed help readjusting his backpack or lunchbox…only to realize it was an intentional drop. The lump surged back up into my throat…but I blinked back the tears and smiled through the lump. He walked into his room, hung up his things all on his own, and sat at his desk…writing his name on his dot-to-dot.
Tom backed out the door after saying his goodbyes…but I found myself lingering in the room.
Tom kept looking at me with the “He’s going to be fine” look…but I still stayed. I kissed him on his head and kissed him again and then gave him a squeeze and kissed him one last time and whispered an “I love you”. He stared down at his paper – concentrating- likely swallowing his own lump – trying to be brave…and big.
I left the room…and entered a new chapter of my life…just like that. That quickly. No pausing…no rewinding..just forging ahead into the next chapter.
What I learned today was that the moments of drudgery that we wanted to fast forward through – are the very moments we wish we could rewind to – pressing pause and cherishing them for as long as we can. The cruel irony is that the moments we wish away are the very moments we mourn losing.
I got to the end of Bradley’s Hall and the tears erupted. The ugly cry. A teacher at the door said, “Are you okay sweetie? At least you still have one more at home with you”…for a split second I thought that I should just keep having children forever…replenishing the supply – so I can always have “one at home”…but I realized that is my minds way of trying to press rewind. I knew better though. Having 100 children wouldn’t make the natural progression of life feel any differently…it would only make me revisit these emotions over and over and over…because each one of my 100 would be unique…special to me…and hard to release to the natural progression that seemed to haunt me today.
Bradley hopped in the car after school and said, “Guess what Mama? I LOVE SCHOOL!!!”
I have surmised that the joy in life is to be FOUND in the natural progression…not in the rewinding and pausing.
I went home and relished the moments with this little guy… we stayed busy making a surprise for the kids…
I kept busy today and prepared a special back to school dinner for the kids…served on cafeteria trays…a typical lunch menu: Sloppy Joes, Potato wedges, Carrots/dip, apple slices, and milk.
For dessert…a masterpiece of a school bus cake. Yes…it is horribly decorated…but the LOVE! Oh there is a LOT of Love in this cake. Promise not to laugh?
The kids loved it (bless ‘em) – and I loved re-establishing our “new normal”.
Cheers to a new school year, Kiddos! I love you!
Therapy Session Dismissed. If you read all of this…I owe you $150.
