Missed one minor detail......

Okay, so there was one thing that I forgot to mention about my trip to Time Out For Women. On the way home, I met a sweet, little police officer. He saw me passing by and thought I looked friendly, so he turned his lights on and pulled me over for a chat. He introduced himself and asked me about my hobbies and interests, confirmed that my favorite color is red, and that I don't like fish. I told him that I enjoy long walks on summer nights.....with Tommy T - and THAT'S when he handed me a ticket. He CLAIMED I owed him $135 for going 19 mph over the speed limit. I think he was just jealous that I have a REAL man.

Cops these days.

Bad Karma Strikes Again

Yesterday I joked about Astro minivans and Dodge Caravans (not the GRANDE caravan) - about how they are usually the minivans that you see tacky bumper stickers on. I was being a minivan snob.....which is a bit of an oxymoron in itself. That is like an exotic dancer calling a hooker a "skank". We in the minivan world are all in the same boat (that has 10-16 cup holders).

Anyway, I was driving home from the gym late last night - and off in the distance I saw one of these.

He was making no effort to get out of the road. It was almost as if he had accepted his fate....he was going to die, at my hands (wheels). He thought it would be more productive to give me the skunk finger than running for his life. Instead of fighting for hope - he turned and lifted his tail and sprayed his anal sweat gland RIGHT when my car was driving OVER him. Not ON him - OVER him. He was fine and ran off into the bushes.

While he went on enjoying his evening - I gasped for air as his powerful stench circulated through my A/C unit and permeated the leather seats and saturated the carpet. My eyes and lungs were on fire.

It was at that moment I realized that I was now the owner of the most inferior minivan in Arkansas. Karah was upset and complained the entire way to school. "I'm going to smell like a skunk! People aren't going to want to eat lunch with me!!!!"

I quickly remembered that I have a lunch date with my friend today - and I promised to pick her up at high noon....in my stank-mobile.

This morning while I was frantically googling how to remove skunk skank from my car - I found an article that told me that skunks are reluctant to use their smelly weapon, as they carry just enough of the chemical for five or six uses—about 15 cc—and require some ten days to produce another supply. I was oddly touched that he saved his precious batch for the Odyssey.


So, as I spend my morning trying to redeem my minivan from the depths of skunk hell......might I close with a scripture that has brought new meaning to my life these past few days.....

Matthew 23:12

"And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted."

Consider it done. Officially abased....via skunk.

Awkward Breakfast Conversation

Tom fried the kids some eggs this morning, The following conversation ensued....

Karah: "Where do eggs come from?"

Me: "The come from hens (lady chickens).

Karah: "No, I mean - the eggs we EAT - where do they come from?"

Me: "They come from the lady chickens"

Karah: "No - hens lay eggs that turn into chicks. Where do the eggs we EAT come from?"

Me: "They come from the same place - they are eggs that won't turn into baby chicks."

Karah: (concern and disgust swept over her face. The wheels were turning. I saw the internal struggle as she ran her fork across her plate. The loss of appetite was visible. She was shaken. Luckily she is just like her mama and excellent at denial......a smile crept on her face.....)

"Oh, I get it - they come and take the eggs to the factory where they are turned into the eggs we EAT and there's no chicks in it anymore."

....and then she polished off her egg.

I, however, will not be eating one in a very long time.

Karah is known for pointing out things like this at the most inopportune times. We were having pork tenderloin the other night and she said, "Are we eating a pig right now?" If we eat a burger she is sure to remind us we are eating a cow.

The hardest was when she asked me to explain hot dogs.

That is one place a parent need not go.

Bad Karma

If you look closely in his wee beady eye, you will occasionally see a glimpse of little devil.

Do you remember my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad morning I had on Tuesday? Well....Monday afternoon I went to pay my utility bill and pulled up to the drive-thru. There were a few cars in line and then a little, old, Asian woman standing next in line. I thought she was lost - but quickly realized that she was walking through the drive through. I got a chuckle out of it - who walks through a drive thru? They accommodate all of the pedestrians INSIDE the building. I took a picture of her with my cell phone while I waited (which I will post tomorrow). After she paid her bill, she came up and started banging on my window. "Two hundred dollahs! Two hundred dollahs! Why? How this happen??? What in world!" I quickly got annoyed because:

1. Her rantings would NOT let up


2. My utility bill tripled hers.

I said, "What are you complaining about? Mine was $600." She grabbed her heart and yelled "HOW THAT HAPPEN! WHAT!!!" I said, "You pay one unit - I pay three" as I rolled the window up. She was still yelling through the glass - so I just pulled up and watched her walking away in my rear view mirror.

The lady in the drive thru was still laughing and my kids were full of questions. "What was she doing? Why did she walk through the drive through? Are you allowed to do that? Are the police going to throw her down the drain?" etc..... I then laughed about it with the kids - how silly was it that someone would stand in a drive thru.

Well, the next day was my THNGVBM. (Terrible, horrible.......). It was time to go pick up Bradley from preschool - and on my way I thought I would try and be kind to other drivers. There was a chick in the turn lane - trying to turn left into a day care. I was in the lane closest to her - and she was depending on me to motion to her when it was safe to go. RIGHT when I told her to go - these two guys on bullet bikes came speeding through. I almost caused two deaths - as they slammed on their brakes to avoid the collision. They followed her into the day care parking lot and revved their engines at her. I think this is how bikers say they are ticked off. Do bullet bikes have horns? It was so "geh" how they were intimidating her.

Tangent - what's up with bikers anyway? Why do they have to wave at each other. "Hey -how's it going - I see you are on two wheels, too - which makes us WAY cooler than everyone else on 4. We will wave at each other because we are part of a secret club - and THOSE losers can't join."

What if this gay trend carried over into other areas of life. "Hey hey, you married a red head too - high five." Or maybe "You have a car seat in your car - OMG so do I - flash the lights". Perhaps "Oh- you're overweight too! A big honk for you". It's asinine if you think about it. Why is it okay for them? I am going to start a Honda Odyssey club. I will only wave at women driving them. Maybe we can start a club too - and slowly take away their power.

Well - on to the bad karma. I mocked the senior citizen Asian woman for walking through the drive thru. I pick Boo up from school. He is in the back of the van - and I took him through McDonald's to get lunch, since Tommy T and I were going out in a bit. He asked if he could unbuckle and come up while I ordered so he could get his happy meal. I told him to stay buckled and wait until we got home. Holy hell. Holy meltdown. He was screaming like a velociraptor. I thought the glass was going to shatter. I felt blood coming out of my ears.

"Welcome to McDonalds - may I take your order please?"

(me screaming the order while he screams): "Can I get a chicken nugget happy meal with apple juice?"

"What! What! Can you repeat that?? (I am sure the the decibels were traveling through her little headset and her head was ready to explode....she was totally annoyed)

We went through this a couple times and then I had to GET OUT OF MY CAR - SHUT THE DOOR AND PLACE MY ORDER WHILE STANDING IN THE DRIVE THRU. It was lunch rush. There were several "What in the hell" looks on people's faces. One chick was holding her cell phone - and I am SO positive I am being blogged about right now. I saw grins and heard chuckles. I was moments from this.....

(I DID NOT pose Courtney;s son in this position. I told him to smile and this is what he did....no worries - it was an innocent, playful bird - he had no clue what he was doing.....I think.....I hope).

Of course as soon as I pulled out of the parking lot - the exorcism had been completed and I had my sweet little boy back. Go figure.

So as the sun sets on you this night - renew your commitment with me - to always be careful what you say about others....because it always comes back to bite you in the butt.

Be forewarned Meg......should some innocent woman wave you on into oncoming traffic - and you aren't as lucky..... we might bury you in a denim jumper with control top "suntan" pantyhose.......just for kicks on resurrection day :)

What I Learned..the morning after Karaoke

Well, the following morning.....I mean the SAME morning - we prepared to go to Time Out For Women. Though extremely sleep deprived and not anxious to show off my new blood shot eyes, I was very excited to go to the conference. This year I got more out of it than I had in the past - and I thought I would share some of my notes about what I learned about being a better wife, mother, daughter, and generally speaking......person.

Jane Clayson - who used to be a correspondent for Good Morning America, spoke. She spoke about life and our choices - and the need to trust in God and be still. She quoted Pat Holland, wife of Jefferey R. Holland as saying,

" If I were Satan and wanted to destroy a society, I think I would stage a full-blown blitz on women. I would keep them so distraught and distracted that they would never find the calming strength and serenity for which their gender has always been known.”

Psalms 46:10 Counsels us to "Be Still and know that I am God"
Am I "still" enough? Do I let life get so "full" that I squeeze out my time to be still and feel His calming influence in my life? Do I let fears of the future squeeze out the stillness?

Jane spoke of the importance of turning our life and choices over to God - believing that the path that he has for us is better than the ones we have for ourselves.

Sometimes I feel like my old driver's Ed teacher, named "Biff". He would sit on his side of the car - and make me feel like he had confidence in me - but at times would grab his "teacher's steering wheel" on his side - and take the control back. I do this sometimes. I let Heavenly Father drive the car - but as soon as I begin to doubt, or don't like the direction that He is taking me - I grab the wheel and try to take over. Michael Wilcox pointed out that "Our will is the only thing that is truly 'ours' - that we have to give Him."

Jane taught me that I need to give up the controls and trust Him. The I need to Listen and then follow his instructions with faith. I am blessed to be in a season of life where I haven't faced huge challenges.....but this is so applicable to every day living - letting him guide the way I parent - guide me in my relationship with Tommy T - with weight loss and trusting that he cares about that too. Though I am enjoying my adult life which has been relatively free from major trials, I know that they will come. None of us are exempt - all of us were sent to experience life so we can learn and grow closer to Him through our challenges.

Jane said, "He DOES hear our prayers. He CAN heal our wounds. The question is....will we let Him." Again, the need to trust and completely turn our lives over to Him.

Hillary Weeks performed and spoke. I just love her. I identify so closely with her. She is a woman who loves her life and is trying every day to be a better mother - doing and saying things she is not proud of from time to time. This is what I learned from Hillary....

The most powerful thing I remember her saying was "If my children can feel my love from them - it will be easier for them to feel Heavenly Father's love." I remember years ago taking a parenting class at church - where I learned that children develop their views of Deity by their relationship with their parents. If I am kind and forgiving - they will likely grow to believe God shares those same attributes. If I withhold emotionally or am slow to forgive - they may also believe God to be this way when they make a mistake.....doubting that they could ever truly be forgiven.

She spoke of the times she has fallen short as a mother and the hope she finds in the bible, in Jude, where it says that He will present us faultless". As I have faith in our Savior and repent of my shortcomings .... I can know that one day He will present me faultless - through His name.

Hillary spoke about another phenomenon. She said that the more she studies her scriptures, the better she is able to hear. This reminded me of how crucial it is to take time to feed my spirit every day - to hear the voice of the Lord as I raise these sweet children, try to be the best wife I can be. and make personal decisions.

Michael Wilcox spoke - a great scriptorian. I love to hear him speak! He told the story of Mary and Elizabeth when it was said, "My soul doth magnify the Lord". He said "mothers are the lens in which children first see God". He mentioned some of the things we should be teaching our children.

1. Teach them the power of the temple

• Give life - Marriages, families


• Heal

The temple is to serve as a shadow from the heat, or the forces of the adversary in this world we live in. It is a place of spiritual refuge.

2. Teach them of Gods Forgiveness

• Everyone in the scriptures who asked to be forgiven was forgiven - immediately.


• He talked about "pink people" - that the scriptures tell us that "though our sins be a scarlet - he will make them white as snow". Do we believe that he can make us completely white? Or just a good shade of pink? We have to teach our children that they can be completely forgiven.


• He not only forgives - but REJOICES in forgiving us.

3. Teach them who they really are

He told us that Doubting Thomas got a bad rap in the scriptures. That is what we remember him by - but we don't talk about the story where Lazarus was sick and the Lord was going to visit him even though it was dangerous and he stood in harms way. Thomas said "Let us go with him - that we may die with him". That was the REAL Thomas. "The real you - is you at your very best". This is what we need to teach our children.

Christ always lifted people - this is what we need to do with our children. Lift them - tell them who they are and what they can be.

4. Teach them about womanhood

We need to teach our children about the divinity of womanhood in a world where Satan tries to cheapen them. Teach them how God views women -and their power in the home and in the world.

He closed by saying that "love is not a question of worthiness" - both as parents, and as children of God. He said the greatest discovery we will ever make is learning that "The God I love, loves me." Those strong feelings we hold for our Heavenly Father are the same, if not more, than He has for us.

Jason Wright, the author of The Christmas Jars, talked about the importance of letter writing in this day of technology. That we need to hand write letters - so we can lift and bless the lives of others. He challenged us to write one this week....which I have yet to do.....but will! Maybe YOU will be the lucky recipient :)

Pam Hansen, author of "Running With Angels" - a woman who has lost an incredible amount of weight and dealt with tragic loss in her life, spoke about women and their body image. I missed the tail end of her talk because we had to leave early - but she gave some statistics. She said that in a recent poll, they found only 2% of women would say they are beautiful. We live in a world where we are compete with what is shown in the media. The average model is 5' 10" and 100 pounds. The average woman in America is 5'4" and 144 pounds. We are looking through a mirror of distortion.

I would like to include one of my favorite talks by Jeffrey R. Holland, of the twelve apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The talk is titled "To Young Women" - but applies to all of us, even if we aren't too young anymore. It is one of the most powerful talks I have heard on the Pam's topic.

If you aren't too tired of reading......click here!

Anyway......I hope you don't mind me sharing what I learned. It was a wonderful experience and I feel so blessed that I was able to attend. I felt the spirit incredibly strong throughout the entire meeting. It was obvious that there were women there that bore heavier burdens than I do and it was neat to see the peace and comfort they found through the words of the presenters. Though I didn't have any major issues that I was searching for answers for - I can't help but remember someone saying that the time to prepare for the challenges of life is in the calms before our storms - and I am thankful that this trip provided me a little more preparation.

I hope I get to go next year!!!

TEQUILA!!!!

Girls Trip: Karaoke

It's never a good idea to go to a smoke infested casino (for the pretzel!) when you already have a cough....and then follow it up with inhaling a few more packs of secondary smoke at the karaoke bar you are preparing to "perform" at.

You can't see my clothes too well in this video - but I will let you know I was wearing a blue sequined dress and my teeth looked really, really white when I sang. Please enjoy my rendition of "Come Away With Me". I sounded just like Norah Jones - just with emphysema.

This guy came over and told us that he really enjoyed the performances of "The Sober Girls." I think he was most enthralled by their rendition of Dancing Queen.

I was intrigued by the cryptic nature of his glove. Was it carpal tunnel, was he a bowler, was Michael Jackson his idol, was it a prop to attract the ladies? I didn't get his name that night.....so we will just call him "Humpty". If people were foods, he would definitely be an egg. A very nice egg.

Meg had a few too many Dr. Peppers.

Jerushia was told she would have to walk home if she didn't preform. She finally caved. I caught her several times....twirling her hair - trying to catch the eye of the papa sito in the corner.
Courtney walked off stage mid performance of 'Baby Got Back". She wasn't comfortable shaking what her mama gave her - after eating that butter burger. This was the man running the show. He finally decided Karaoke was over and we were just going to listen to him all night. That got really old...so we finally bailed.

It was a fun night - but came with a price....staying up until 2 am trying to wash the stink out of my hair.....

Unfortuantely not everyone at Time Out for Women would have understood.

Sarah and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Morning

Echoing the sentiments of my favorite children's story...... I set my alarm for 7 am - but I didn't wake up until 7:30. My kids had to be to school by 8.

I told my kids they had to hurry and get ready for school but they told me they weren't going to school.

I picked out Karah's outfit - but she didn't want THAT outfit.

I picked out Bradley's outfit - and he didn't want his either. Besides, he wasn't going to school anyway.

I think I'll move to Australia.

They were served cereal and juice for breakfast - but they wanted waffles and "yeggs". While they were protesting, their cereal got soggy and they didn't want soggy cereal.

My bras were in the washer and the only one left was the bra with the loose under wire that stabs me in the armpit. I hate being stabbed in the armpit.

I opened the refrigerator to take out Bradley's school snacks, but the leftovers fell out instead - all over my feet. I hate leftovers all over my feet.

Bradley has two feet - but he only found one shoe.

Do you have to wear shoes in Australia?

I tried to style Bradley's hair with gel - but he demanded hairspray - the one that I hadn't seen in days.

Karah refused her bath last night. She screamed while I combed through the resulting tangles. I hate it when she does the tangle scream.

I told Bryce to poop in his diaper - but he decided he would rather poop in his crib. I hate cleaning poop out of a crib.

I got Bradley to school on time - but forgot his school bag. Bradley loves his school bag.

I told Bradley it was time for me to go so his school could start. He told me I wasn't going to leave.

Kids are excited to go to preschool in Australia.

I saw the sign that tuition was due.....yesterday....they don't like late tuition...and I am the President of the preschool board.

I comforted myself and ordered a biscuit. I drove away and found they only gave me a hash brown. I wanted a biscuit. I hate it when workers forget my biscuit.

I hired a babysitter so I could take my brother to a birthday lunch.....but he forgot I was taking him and agreed to go with his co-workers instead.

A sister would have trumped co-workers in Australia.

I loaded the dishwasher and Bryce unloaded the knives while I was taking the trash out. There's one thing that could have gone worse.

Bryce made me think he wanted to nurse....but what he meant to communicate was that he wanted to BITE ME instead.

Nipples don't get mistreated in Australia.

This has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad morning........

But my mom told me those happen......

Even in Australia.