Timing is a weird thing. When I'm in the middle of a struggle... everything is a blur. There is so much confusion, frustration, and inability to understand the "why" of it all.
When looking back over my shoulder, everything comes into focus. The "waiting" suddenly makes sense. The "Of course!" and "I get it now!" ... is topped with a twinge of regret in the pit of my stomach for not trusting and seeing the hand of the Lord along the way.
Rinse and Repeat. Story of my life.
When we put our home of 15 years on the market...it wouldn't sell. It made absolutely no sense. It was a beautiful home...remodeled...beautiful wooded view...on a quiet cul-de-sac that would be any parent's dream and competitively priced for the size. We had showing after showing and it wouldn't sell. All the feedback was great...but no bites. After three months, we decided to take it off the market so we could enjoy the Holidays without the stress of getting 3 kids, 2 dogs, and cat out of the house at a moment's notice.
During that time, we found ourselves in a legal battle with a major electric company. They wanted to put massive electrical transmission lines through our beautiful valley. We decided we needed to decide whether to sell Donkey Hill and look for new land...or wait out the legal fight. We chose to keep fighting...and after a huge miracle, the power company withdrew it's application and killed the project. We took a deep breath and decided to list the house again the following Summer.
I remember going up to Donkey Hill to brush hog. Tractor time was something I looked forward to more than going to a spa. It was magical. I would climb up and feel the heat of the tractor seat and smell that awesome combination of grass and diesel.. I would nestle the foam cup into the holder and bend my straw in half...pushing it back down through the lid...preventing any tiny bugs from getting into it when I drove through the tall grass. I would push in the clutch and with the turn of the key, the screaming thoughts of my mind would be drowned out my the hum of the engine.
I would enter this peaceful place where everything was blocked out. My mind would settle and I often found myself offering prayers out loud...hardly able to hear my own voice. I remember one particular day that we went to the Hill during a showing. I remember starting the tractor up and praying like crazy that we would get an offer. All I wanted was to begin the next chapter and start building our new home on the hill. I remember begging Him. As my words ascended, I remember a heaviness boomerang right back at me. I knew that despite my begging, It wasn't time.
Much to my surprise, the day DID finally come. We sold our 4000 s/f home and moved into an 1800 s/f rental home. We still were going back and forth on our house plans and weren't completely settled. We were still stuck in the revolving door of "not yet".
Bradley and Bryce were stir crazy. Our rental home was on the corner of a busy road. Our backyard was the size of a postage stamp and most of their toys were locked up in storage, due to a lack of space. Lots of bodies in close quarters was wearing on everyone.
Tom was at Scouts with Bradley one night when his friend Scott came up and told him that Bradley was a big kid and needed to play football. Tom decided that night to sign him up through the Boys and Girls Club. I was shocked when he came home and said "Bradley's playing football. He needs something to get him out of this house."
Fast forward to his football practice. It was a moment that I will NEVER forget in my life. I was sitting in my chair and saw a boy running out on the practice field. He didn't have his helmet on. He was wearing a red practice jersey with his black football pants. He was small compared to the rest of the players. I saw his face and felt an instant connection to him. I even said to Tom..."Look at his face. He could be one of our bear cubs." Tom kept spitting his sunflower seeds, likely chalking up my comments to an "Awwww! Isn't he cute?" moment.
I found myself watching him during that practice. Unaware of his name...just wondering why I felt such a connection and love for a little boy I had never seen in my life. It was absolutely bizarre.
A couple weeks later, on September 15, 2015 - I was sitting in my bedroom with my best friend, Courtney. I was completely overwhelmed with a huge list of things I needed to get done. She was giving me a pep talk. I opened my email on my phone and saw there was a message from the Team Mom from football. The subject line was: "
Can Anyone Help?"
I read the following email out loud:
"Can anyone help Ryan out this week and next to get Simon to and from practice? They live in _____ (removed for privacy). Map is below. If you can help please reach out to Ryan. My apologies I thought this sent out to everyone but it only hit a couple of the email addresses!"
----Jessica
I said, "And NOW someone needs a ride to football! Like I don't have enough to do!"
Courtney sweetly said..."You should do it. You totally need the blessings!"
I squawked at her and then replied, "Fine."
Even though I had no clue who Ryan or Simon were...I saw that our rental was close enough to their home that it wouldn't be a big deal to give him a ride.
I showed up at the address I was given and lo and behold, HE walked out of the door. I clapped my hands and said, "Oh!!! It's that kid that I love!!!"
He hopped in the car and before we even made it a mile down the road, he was cracking jokes and I said, "I swear Simon. I think you were born to the wrong mama! I swear you could be one of my kids with your sense of humor." I quickly followed up with, "I'm joking though!Don't ever tell your mom I said that or she will try to get me!"
He was quiet for a second and then said, "You probably ARE my mama. You know those people aren't my family, right? I'm their foster kid."
It took everything within my to keep the car on the road. I felt this unexplainable energy shoot through my body. In that moment, I knew. There is no other way to say it. I KNEW.
I had a flashback of the first time I saw him...and how I loved him. I had flashbacks of seeing my biological babies for the first time after giving birth...memorizing their faces within a split second of having them placed in my arms. Having an instant connection and bond with them...in a single moment.
I recognized it was an identical experience...but with an 80 pound 11 year old baby. I saw him, I felt connected to him, and loved him.
He had been taken away from his mother when she went to jail for drug charges. He was a victim of physical, emotional, and academic neglect. In our state, parents have a full year to make changes in their lives so they can be reunited with their child. Simon had only been in foster care for a few weeks when we met.
I didn't know what his future held but I KNEW that we needed to make preparations so that if it came to the point that he was placed for adoption, we would be an approved and open home, and be ready.
I called the State the very next day and started the process to become foster/adoptive parents. This is a LONG process. I focused all my energies on completing paperwork, providing documentation, and getting our training classes scheduled.
We became a support family for his current foster family and were able to spend a lot of time together. I was worried how Bryce would handle all the attention that Simon was getting. I went to him and asked, "Are you ever worried that I will love Simon more than you?"
His answer stopped me dead in my tracks. "Mom, I WANT you to love him more than me."
"Why would you say that? Why would you want me to love him more than you?"
He answered, "Because I've had your love my whole life...and he hasn't had a turn."
I broke down in tears...instantly feeling the love that my little boy had for Simon.
During this time, we were still working on house plans while trying to become an approved foster family. It was stressful and emotionally taxing. We were completely attached to Simon...with future court hearings looming...unsure of what the future held.
I cried every single day. Every day. Multiple times a day. It was an excruciating process. I was dealing with my own emotions, as well as trying to help Simon with his. He was terrified of going back to where he came from. There were countless times i would hold him and he would just sob.
It was Halloween weekend. He had gone trick-or-treating with us and we had a wonderful time. Towards the end of our time together, he broke down crying and said "What if this is my only Halloween with you? What if this never happens again? What if they send me back?"
I had no answer for the "what if's" - I told him that the judge wouldn't send him back unless she was positive it was a safe place for him and his mother was able to care for him...so if he went back...it would be a great thing...and that we would try to stay in his life and help hiS mother however we could.
I told him that if he DIDN'T go back...that we were taking all the steps we needed, to be able to have our home approved by the state - to take care of him.
In that moment, my mind bounced back AGAIN to the moment on the football field. I felt the spirit reassure me that I had that experience for a reason...and to hold on to it.
I told Tom that I didn't want to stay in the rental home longer than we needed...but I could NOT emotionally handle building a house on top of the emotional roller coaster we were on. So...we put things on hold...again.
We completed the process to become an Open Foster/Adoptive Home and Simon was transferred to live in our home on April 1st, 2016. He was officially our foster son.
On August 17, 2016, it was the night before the final hearing for Simon's parents. We would find out if their parental rights would be terminated or not. We decided to go out on the lake that night. I remember the peace and joy that Simon had on his face that night.
On August 18, 2016 - his parents rights were officially terminated and he was legally available for adoption.
We officially broke ground on August 19, 2016. It was the day after the hearing. The first day that we didn't have to worry about him being sent back. The first day of complete peace that we had experienced in a year.
The adoption process took longer than we wanted. There were lots of tears and frustration as we dealt with hunting down his birth certificate and dealing with the red tape that came from him being born in another state.
The day finally came. January 26th, 2017...he became our legal son and his name was changed to Simon James.
On March 4th, 2017 - Simon was baptized.
On March 25th, 2017 - Simon was sealed to us in the Kansas City Temple
Three weeks later...on April 14th, 2017 - we moved into our home on Donkey Hill.
When I read this back, it's all crystal clear. The tangled underside of the tapestry...the waiting...the timing...the tears...the frustration and fear...the prayers...the faith...and the TRUST that His will was being done.
“Life is but a Weaving”
“My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ’til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned
He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.”
―
Corrie ten Boom
The weaving continues. Our journey isn't complete. We now embark on a new life as a family...strengthening our bond while trying to heal old wounds. Countless people have said, "I would adopt if I could have it be as easy as it's been for you."
I laugh. They only see the top side of the tapestry. Unaware that this has been the most painful experience I have yet been called to endure. Natural childbirth has nothing on the unmasked pain of fostering and adoption. I now stand in that difficult place of fighting to keep him from the undeniable pull back to the place where he felt worthless and invisible. I have to fight to help him recover from years of academic neglect...in the pivotal Junior High years. I deal with guilt as i look back over old pictures, before we knew him. Vacationing, laughing, celebrating, and loving each other - unaware that he was "out there" - being mistreated, ignored. and neglected. Our SON. That was happening to our child.
It's complicated and messy and hard. It's not all wrapped up in a pretty little package.
I yearn to have held him. I mourn the eleven years of his life that I missed. I fear and question, every single day, if I will be able to give him ALL that he needs...ALL that he deserves...and remedy the great injustices of his life...all while realizing how WEAK I am in my weakness. Feeling horrible for not having all the answers...not knowing how to handle every situation...and facing the ugly sides of myself that I have discovered through this process...all while "onlookers" tell me how "Amazing" I am ---- feeling ANYTHING but amazing.
Simon has asked me why I couldn't be his "first mama". Why couldn't he have been born to us like the rest of our children.
I have cried and apologized to him...knowing that it's most likely because of things I had to learn. He suffered so he could teach me...and humble me, and boy has he.
I recognize that his life is miraculous. He has truly been sheltered by the hand of the Lord. We now move forward in our new life together. Working the kinks out while knowing that adoption isn't a magic wand that erases trauma and pain. It's a daily changing of emotional bandages... deep wounds that can only be healed through time, patience, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
We are so thankful to have our 4th little bear cub. He is worth every tangled knot of the tapestry. I'm thankful and humbled that we have been entrusted with him.
Simon's Adoption Video:
