All I want is a little Morning Moo

I swear. All I wanted to do is place an order for some “Morning Moo” instant milk. Rumor has it – it’s the best tasting instant milk around! In an effort to find the lowest price, I started web-surfing…mistake.

I ran across an unorthodox internet grocer. Wow.

It sounded innocent enough.

I was first struck by their “business model” which could be summed up by saying they verbally abuse you and hope you like it enough to come back for seconds.

For instance: (taken directly off their site)

Please LISTEN.  We CANNOT get ANY information on how long your order will take.  You'll get it when you get it.  (Other companies may tell you differently, but they are LYING to you.)

I came back for seconds. I was intrigued. I had to read more!

I clicked on the portable toilet section, knowing it carried high odds of entertainment. It did NOT disappoint.

And I quote….

“If water's scarce, you need a way to deal with body wastes while conserving your precious water reserves. Men can "water the trees" with minor inconvenience, but not so, you ladies. And both of us are in trouble when it comes to "Number Two" . Great. Now I've degenerated into Kindergarten talk! I hope you're a patient and understanding reader . . .

In the mid-70s, I was privileged to serve as a missionary to the Tonga Islands in the South Pacific. Through a series of events not relevant to this story, I was invited to spend a  couple of weekends with the king of Tonga, HRM Taufa'ahau Tupou IV, on his remote island retreat. No running water, no electricity, no flushing toilets.

But, a smart king.

 

He had bought (by mail) a Sears camping toilet.   He had his staff erect a tapestry privacy curtain (using fresh-chopped tree limbs, fabric and rope. (I forget if they used tapa cloth . . .) around the $80+ toilet. He--and we--had a place to relieve ourselves in comfort, privacy and cleanliness. It made all the difference on this particular island!…His Majesty passed away September 10, 2006, at the age of 88.”

Wow. I am sure the King would appreciate knowing his toilet practices were being published along with pictures of him sitting on his “throne” (pardon the pun)… so we could visualize his entire “process”.

But wait! There’s more! They don’t just sell powdered milk!

You MUST read this. This is NOT a fabrication… Email me if you want the link…I don’t the grocer to track me!

Taken directly from the site:

“…Well, now there's no need to go to all that trouble to befriend and betray a squirrel, nor to have to trek into the woods with a shotgun to hunt them.  Just add some water to our (exclusive) dehydrated squirrel, let it sit overnight and, next day, sit down to a delicious, non-gamy rehydrated squirrel.

These little beauties are raised on a certified organic farm in Tennessee, are carefully eviscerated and skinned (choose from bone-in, the more expensive bone-out, or from the deluxe squirrel filet) and they're certified rabies-free by the FDA.  (Since this is such a new product, FDA inspectors are onsite constantly and they inspect the meat much more closely than beef or pork.)  Each carcass is inspected twice by line workers to be sure it is hair-free.

The squirrels are allowed to free range on a 3 acre, tree-filled lot, so they live a full, rich life before they are harvested.  This gives them the same muscle-tone that you find in a wild squirrel.  Because the farm can control what they eat, their taste is not nearly as gamy as wild squirrels.  If you're a lover of squirrel meat, this is a product you've got to try!

#10 Can (gallon)           #2.5 Can (quart)

Dehydrated Squirrel Meat, bone in                 25.95 (40 squirrels)        7.00  (10 squirrels)
Dehydrated Squirrel Meat, bone out               31.95 (40 squirrels)        8.50  (10 squirrels)
Squirrel Filets                                              42.95 (82 filets)            12.00  (20 filets)

And last but not least…there was the paranoia!

“NOTE: Someone, or some thing, is interfering with our Shopping Cart.  It's being slowed to a point where it's almost unusable.  If you're unable to place an order online, please either email us with your phone number, or call us with your number (or your order), so we can call you back.  My gut feeling is that the Feds are interfering with our business as they try to shut down alternative, survival businesses.”

All I wanted was a little milk. That’s all….That’s….all.

(fetal position…sucking thumb)

 

In case you were wondering...

Yes...Elves DO make jock straps.

The Interrogation

Karah had her class party today.
I took it as an opportunity to interrogate Alex about "the belts"...on video...just like the cops do.



I was going to waterboard her...but the teacher was watching.
I am left with nothing but questions...questions I need answered.

Looks like I will be volunteering at the school next week...helping kids "read" out in the hall....hopefully they have me do it alphabetically.

She was ready to spill the beans at the end...I could feel it.

Updates to follow.

p.s. - I feel horrible about my "Destiny" comment. I met her today. She is an angel. Adorable. SO not an exotic dancer.

Mystery Solved…Kind Of?

I thought I would follow up on the "Belt Mystery".
I emailed Karah's teacher today:

Hey there-

Do you happen to know what’s up with the Belt situation? Karah came home with a bag full of womens belts and said that Alex was selling them to teachers and kids. She said Alex gave them to her as a Christmas present??? Do you have Alex’s mom’s email address so I can make sure this was an intended gift and not a raid of her mother’s closet?

Thanks,

Sarah

She replied:

Hello!

That’s funny about the belts…one of her parents must work for a belt vendor or something.  She was giving them to her teachers for Christmas presents.  Her mom’s email is _____. 

Have a great day!

I emailed the belt dealer's mother:

Hi Lori – I am Karah's mom from Alex’s class at school. Karah came home with several belts yesterday and said that they were a gift from Alex. I wanted to make sure that she hadn’t raided your closet or something before I let Karah accept the gift. Thanks!

Sarah

She responded:

Sarah,

Yes, they are a gift. 

Lori

Mystery Solved? Kind of?

Sadly I don't feel any more settled about this situation. I am still lacking the answer of which I crave....from whence did the belts come? 

That's ALL she had to say about it? ….

"Yes, they are a gift." (?????)

Where did the mass quantities of belts come from and why are they being passed out to children?

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown

Christmas Mystery

So… Karah came home from school yesterday with a Wal-Mart bag full of….belts. Women’s belts. Interesting “fashion” belts.

I asked her what was up with the belts and she told me that they were a Christmas gift from a girl named “Alex” in her class.

When I questioned her further, I came to find out that Alex  had “hundreds” of belts in a big, yellow wagon that she rolled around the school as she sold them to teachers and students. She then came in and threw some in a bag for Karah and said “Merry Christmas!”

What in the H is going on?

Is her mother a belt vendor trying to make a buck on the side? Did Alex raid her mother’s closet to gain favor of her friends and teachers? Did Alex go Christmas shopping and use a 5-finger discount?

Karah later cried and told me that Alex had said, “You get belts…but ‘Destiny’ gets a REAL present tomorrow.”

(I am getting all sorts of ideas for “creative use” of these belts, Alex.)

And who names their child Destiny? Name your child Destiny and she is ‘destined’ to be an exotic dancer. Name her ‘chastity’ and she will be pregnant by 14. Name her ‘Faith’ and she will be an Atheist. Name her Alex and she will be a belt dealer.

I digress.

At times having children in school is not fun. There are these occasional mysteries that pop-up…and you never really know if you found out the truth.

On a frustration level… It’s like eating your dinner while blindfolded. You go from having your children with you all day – every day – and having a good pulse on what’s going on……………to sending them to school where you have no  eyes to see – no ears to hear…….just “clues”
to piece together.

So…here are my clues:

1. bag of belts

2. tags still on belts

3. Lots of belts

Your help in solving the mystery is much appreciated!

 

Ushering in Christmas

On November 20th, our family took a weekend trip to Big Cedar Lodge to ring in the Christmas season. We all loaded up and headed off for the best mini vacation evah!

As it turns out…the trip lived up to all of our hopes and wishes. It was incredible.

I even stayed buckled when we went over the bridge. I found solace in the fact that if we were going to “go down” – at least a hostess cupcake truck would go with us.

When we arrived we first checked out our cabin. The kids were ecstatic to explore and find their bedroom and bathroom.

My favorite part of our cabin was the beautifully decorated Christmas tree. It instantly put us in the mood for Christmas.

We then headed over to Devil’s Pool for a little lunch.

Bryce was nap deprived and amped up from finally being off the road…so he was NOT an angel at lunch. He was either taunting the “taxidermied” furry friends or smearing his greasy hands on the windows. He would intermittently chuck something at the other diners. Needless to say – he went on a “lobby visit” until the food was ready. This episode prompted us to order room service each night. :)

After lunch we headed to visit the bickie tree. I wiped it for good luck.

 

We went back to the cabin Tommy T built us a fire.

We tucked the kids in bed for a nap…

And then cuddled in front of the fire…enjoying the silence.

One of my favorite parts of the trip was slow dancing with Tom while the kids napped. We should dance more often. Love it.

We enjoyed the view from our deck…

 

And took a nap ourselves. I was awakened by a knock at the door. It was “the cookie lady”. Yes, the cookie lady. It seems she comes nightly – bearing a bag of fresh cookies. Nightly.

After eating half the bag, we woke the kids up to share the loot. Bryce was pleased.

We then headed out for a horse drawn wagon ride through the grounds. We waited in the clubhouse for the horses to arrive.

 

The kids played with Lincoln Logs while we waited.

 

It started sprinkling…but the kids were still in heaven. It was beautiful.

At the end of our ride we were taken to a campfire for S’mores, hot cocoa, and a little cowboy Christmas caroling.

They were all in sugar comas…

Tom bought one of the cowboy’s CD’s…he’s sweet like that.

We went back to the cabin – ordered room service for dinner (my kind of roughing it)…and were off to sleep.

The next morning I opened my eyes to see this…

I laid there awake…staring up at the beautiful stained glass until I could take it no longer and started taking pictures. The sound of the shutter awakened Tommy T. We decided that morning, while laying in bed, that this would be a place we would bring our children for years to come. We were in love with it.

We took the kids to The Worman House for breakfast.

This place has a fantastic view of the lake and wonderful food. All of Big Cedar has wonderful food :)

     

We went to visit the Ho-hees after breakfast.

   

We then went to the playground to burn off some breakfast.

    

While playing, Tom tried to seduce me with (in the words of Nacho Libre) his “stretchy pants”. Grrrrrrr.

Next on the list….Silver Dollar City.

Bradley was officially tall enough to ride his first roller coaster. He waited…fearfully. (see hands)

And his reaction:

There was hot cocoa…in a cup (on the right) on a shirt (on the left). Popcorn was his consolation prize.

 

 

While we were eating treats on a bench, I felt something hitting my head. I looked up to find… him. When he was finished he chucked his shell at Bryce. It was an overhand throw. Do Squirrels have rotator cuffs? I bet his name was Cecil.I love that name….Cecil. Say it just once. Cecil.

  

We went back to the cabin for another nap. The children needed their rest since they would be going on the Polar Express later that evening (later nicknamed The Hell Express).

We boarded.

The kids got to wear their jammies. They read the book over the speakers as chefs went through the car showing the kids the pictures.

It looks tame – but it wasn’t. A train full of kids amped up on cocoa and cookies…Christmas music on the speakers…loud children…loud, loud, children.

Some of the staff weren’t fans of children.

The conductor later sat with us and told me of his colonoscopy he had in our town. It was magical for the children.

Bryce thought he owned the place. I am sure this is against railroad regulations. He knew our butts weren’t going to fit back in there to get him.

  

When the ride was finally over (head pounding)…the kids went on a spastic rampage…running…jumping…shouting. It was close to 10 pm by that time. Wow. Hell Express is right. Luckily it was a roundtrip ticket.

See the video below for a small sampling.

There were no arguments at bedtime… but many arguments the following morning when we told them we had to go home. Until we meet again Big Cedar!