All I want is a little Morning Moo

I swear. All I wanted to do is place an order for some “Morning Moo” instant milk. Rumor has it – it’s the best tasting instant milk around! In an effort to find the lowest price, I started web-surfing…mistake.

I ran across an unorthodox internet grocer. Wow.

It sounded innocent enough.

I was first struck by their “business model” which could be summed up by saying they verbally abuse you and hope you like it enough to come back for seconds.

For instance: (taken directly off their site)

Please LISTEN.  We CANNOT get ANY information on how long your order will take.  You'll get it when you get it.  (Other companies may tell you differently, but they are LYING to you.)

I came back for seconds. I was intrigued. I had to read more!

I clicked on the portable toilet section, knowing it carried high odds of entertainment. It did NOT disappoint.

And I quote….

“If water's scarce, you need a way to deal with body wastes while conserving your precious water reserves. Men can "water the trees" with minor inconvenience, but not so, you ladies. And both of us are in trouble when it comes to "Number Two" . Great. Now I've degenerated into Kindergarten talk! I hope you're a patient and understanding reader . . .

In the mid-70s, I was privileged to serve as a missionary to the Tonga Islands in the South Pacific. Through a series of events not relevant to this story, I was invited to spend a  couple of weekends with the king of Tonga, HRM Taufa'ahau Tupou IV, on his remote island retreat. No running water, no electricity, no flushing toilets.

But, a smart king.

 

He had bought (by mail) a Sears camping toilet.   He had his staff erect a tapestry privacy curtain (using fresh-chopped tree limbs, fabric and rope. (I forget if they used tapa cloth . . .) around the $80+ toilet. He--and we--had a place to relieve ourselves in comfort, privacy and cleanliness. It made all the difference on this particular island!…His Majesty passed away September 10, 2006, at the age of 88.”

Wow. I am sure the King would appreciate knowing his toilet practices were being published along with pictures of him sitting on his “throne” (pardon the pun)… so we could visualize his entire “process”.

But wait! There’s more! They don’t just sell powdered milk!

You MUST read this. This is NOT a fabrication… Email me if you want the link…I don’t the grocer to track me!

Taken directly from the site:

“…Well, now there's no need to go to all that trouble to befriend and betray a squirrel, nor to have to trek into the woods with a shotgun to hunt them.  Just add some water to our (exclusive) dehydrated squirrel, let it sit overnight and, next day, sit down to a delicious, non-gamy rehydrated squirrel.

These little beauties are raised on a certified organic farm in Tennessee, are carefully eviscerated and skinned (choose from bone-in, the more expensive bone-out, or from the deluxe squirrel filet) and they're certified rabies-free by the FDA.  (Since this is such a new product, FDA inspectors are onsite constantly and they inspect the meat much more closely than beef or pork.)  Each carcass is inspected twice by line workers to be sure it is hair-free.

The squirrels are allowed to free range on a 3 acre, tree-filled lot, so they live a full, rich life before they are harvested.  This gives them the same muscle-tone that you find in a wild squirrel.  Because the farm can control what they eat, their taste is not nearly as gamy as wild squirrels.  If you're a lover of squirrel meat, this is a product you've got to try!

#10 Can (gallon)           #2.5 Can (quart)

Dehydrated Squirrel Meat, bone in                 25.95 (40 squirrels)        7.00  (10 squirrels)
Dehydrated Squirrel Meat, bone out               31.95 (40 squirrels)        8.50  (10 squirrels)
Squirrel Filets                                              42.95 (82 filets)            12.00  (20 filets)

And last but not least…there was the paranoia!

“NOTE: Someone, or some thing, is interfering with our Shopping Cart.  It's being slowed to a point where it's almost unusable.  If you're unable to place an order online, please either email us with your phone number, or call us with your number (or your order), so we can call you back.  My gut feeling is that the Feds are interfering with our business as they try to shut down alternative, survival businesses.”

All I wanted was a little milk. That’s all….That’s….all.

(fetal position…sucking thumb)