Scarred

As some of you may know…I have issues with school pictures. When we were kids, they would take your picture at the beginning of the school year and call it good? You would line up in the gym, wearing your prettiest clothes…and when it was your turn --- you would walk quietly across the stage, being careful not to trip on the drop cloth they had spread across the floor. Under the bright lights, you would carefully balance on the stool while the creepy man slicked your hair down with his little black comb. His scratchy palms would cradle your face as he cocked your head to a most natural 45 degree angle. The smell of cheap cologne and hot breath would hit you in the face as he whispered, “Just like that, sweetie. Good.” ----You sit frozen, in awkwardness, trying to hold the head and the smile as he quickly shuffles back behind the camera to snap the picture. There is no digital photography. He has no clue as to what image  he captured. Several weeks later…the teacher passes the envelopes out. She walks around the room – looking at each picture staring back at her through the cellophane window. She stops at your desk, smiles, and says your name while handing you the finished product…being a picture of a sweet, young child….in a pretty outfit….caught mid seizure.

Your parents are stuck with the pictures…because back then you filled out the order form before you ever “previewed” the pictures.  Before you know it, 5 x 7’s are being stuffed into mailers and being sent to relatives near and far. And at YOUR house? You. Will. Be. Framed. 8 x 10. Your mother will reject the picture re-take day, knowing the results won’t be any different.

I’m in a safe place, now, right? Okay.

Nowadays, pictures once a year do not suffice. The school finds it necessary to capture what you looked like at the beginning AND end of the year. Twice a year our children have to go through this. And if you are in Kindergarten…..THREE times…the Kindergarten graduation cap and gown photo shoot, of course. I guess with the drop out rate as high as it is these days, they think this may the only graduation the kid ever sees.

With all that being said (sigh)…let me reiterate that I HATE school pictures. I suppose it is because when my children deliver their envelope home to me…I can VISUALIZE the person who took their picture by the look on their faces. Bradley’s last picture he was seriously frightened. “Don’t stop smiling…don’t let me stop smiling! What if I stop smiling!!!” The eyes said it all. Bugged out – bottom lip curled down, exposing the bottom row of teeth.

Since you NOW order pictures AFTER they are delivered home – you NOW have to face your children and explain why you are sending the pictures back. You have to convince them that it’s because YOU take way better pictures than the creepy old man ---- and it’s NOT because of the way their face looks.

Bass-turds. (the photo people…not my children)

Long story short. This year we rebelled on picture day #2. Instead of dressing nice, I found the rattiest shirt to put her in. I didn’t “do” her hair. I left that to the creepy man, his comb, and his creative interpretation.

I was hell bent on NOT buying the cap and gown pictures….but they GOT me! Suckered! He was just too cute!

I will now stop this rant and go do something productive with my day.