Pre-Op Mishap

Warning* If you consider yourself a “lady”- you won’t want to read this post. End it now.

On Thursday Tommy T went in for knee surgery. We had to be at the hospital at 5:30 am. It was an early, early morning. They took Tom back and got him prepped for surgery. They allowed me to come back and spend a few minutes with him before it was time for him to go back to the operating room.

I went back to his “room”. I call it a room, but really it is a pre-op waiting area – divided only by a thin curtain.

There were five patients all waiting for their surgeries. Since the curtain was the only divider- we could hear all of the conversations going on around us….and I am assuming they could hear us.

A panicked look came across Tom’s face.

“I have to fart!”, he whispered.

“Oh great”, I replied.

“Do you think it will stink?”, he asked in trepidation.

“Um…this time of morning? YES!”

I thought I had talked him out of it when he didn’t mention it again for approximately 67 seconds. But then…..

“WHAT DO I DO????”, he asked in a frenzy.

“Let it out then!”, I said in frustration.

(come ON already….did it need this much discussion???)

Tom then executed what I would like to refer to as “the whisper fart”. He thought by lightly pushing – nobody would hear it – when in FACT…all it did was increase the duration…bringing MORE attention to it….like – “Ripley’s Believe it Or Not” Attention.

Not only was that part horrific….but the SMELL!!! No thin curtain was going to prevent it from singeing the nose hair off every single person in that room.

TRUE PANIC SET IN FOR TOM.

“SPRAY SOMETHING!”, he whisper shouted.

I frantically looked through our tiny room and saw a bottle of Clorox wipes. Tom was speedily fanning his blanket as I speedily shook the wipe over him in the air.

Just then – the curtain flew open and our Anesthetist was standing there…watching….smelling….grinning.

Tom and I lost it – laughing so hard out of pure embarrassment – that we couldn’t even listen to his instructions. The anesthetist would start giggling – contain himself – and try to act like he didn’t notice the smell of hot, sick a** in the air.

I had my face in my hands – tears streaming. Tom sat bouncing on the gurney…bright red faced with wet eyes…wheezing in laughter.

His pulse was off the charts…though maybe that’s just because the machine could smell it, too.

They wheeled him to the O.R.  - laughing all the way.

I sat in the waiting room – laughing throughout his surgery…KNOWING that as SOON as they had him put under- the anesthetist was going to tell the Dr. all about it.

When I went back to pick him up – he was still laughing. We laughed all the way home.

“This was the “funnest” surgery I have ever had!!!” he said in delight….like he owed it all to me!

Sorry…can’t take the credit for that one.

The moral of the story….

Farts. Never trust ‘em!