Throw Down

I have had an ongoing “relationship” with The Food Network stars since I was pregnant with Karah.

It started with watching Rachel Ray….remember when she just cooked and wasn’t hung up on herself? As I would watch her cook I would wonder why she insisted on sporting her “mini-cleavage”. As her fame grew…I fell out of “like” with her. It was time to move on.

Paula Deen served me well for a season.

She would hypnotize me as she talked with her southern accent. I fantasized about her adopting me…tucking me in a big, fluffy, bed…and delivering me breakfast the next morning…BISCUITS that she just made using 2 sticks of butter. She would stroke my hair and tell me to relax and go back to sleep until I was ready to start the day. Her sweet, Southern charm had me hooked until her sons started joining her on the show.  It quickly became apparent that she favored her taller son. She seemed bothered and put out by the shorter son…and always gushed over the other.

My sweet visions of having her care for me soon morphed into nightmares of her yelling me to get out of bed…asking me why I couldn’t be as responsible as her tall son. The breakfasts stopped being delivered. I started going to breakfast with the short son…at McDonalds. It was time to move on from Paula.

Giada De Laurentis. Italian food…Enthusiasm…and….mega cleavage.

It always seemed like she would purposefully hunch over the cutting board…just so the sisters could hang out even more….kind of like in this picture. It didn’t take long to move on from Giada. The food was beautiful…but it was just obnoxious.

I decided it was time to ditch the ladies and see what the male chefs had to offer.

It started with Emeril. Bam.

 

I loved him at first…but began smelling Old Spice whenever I would watch him. Television became “smell-o-vision” for me. The smell of beef broth, cheap cologne, and body odor would occupy my mind. I soon found myself grossed out by the food…imagining that he didn’t remove his apron when he used the restroom. It was short lived.

On to a more attractive cook…Curtis Stone.

I would watch him pick up unsuspecting women, asking them if he could go home with them and cook dinner for them and their “significant other”. The cooking was overshadowed by the embarrassing flirtation of the women with Curtis. They would sip white wine and giggle as he showed them how dice an onion. It was so awkward. The hubby would come home – share a meal with his wife- as she gushed every time Curtis spoke. The problem with Curtis is he is fully aware of how good looking he is…and loved every minute of the attention. Didn’t learn much about cooking…so had to move on.

Tyler Florence.

Excellent food…if you can handle how IN LOVE he is with himself. I couldn’t.

Sandra Lee. Semi-Homemade Cooking. 70% store bought ingredients …30% Homemade was the premise of the show.

Hmm…seems like something ELSE might be 30% homemade and 70% store bought.

She was yet another who had to find a way to “showcase” herself.

My viewing was short lived with Sandra…because her food really was not good.

Which brings me to my current love.

Ina Garten. The Barefoot Contessa.

She is perfect. Menopausal…keeps the sisters in their cage…isn’t hung up on herself…has no children to belittle on television..and she definitely doesn’t wear Old Spice. She cooks in a GORGEOUS barn kitchen…she is soft spoken…gracious….and a fabulous entertainer. She puts so much love into her food. She is the real deal…until I find a reason to break up with her….which I hope is never.

SO…..what is the point of this, you ask?

I have decided to have a Food Network Throw Down this week. Each Day I will make something from one of the different stars…and will share the recipe and the review in the blog. It’s time I judge them on their food, after all.

Stay tuned!!!!