Life Lessons–October 2011

 

#1. If someone approaches you and says, “Smell my finger”… don’t.

 

Nothing good will come of it.

There will be no happy ending….

especially if that “someone” is 4 years old.

Just direct them to the soap and water and walk away.

#2. Question your own sanity.

I have tendencies towards paranoia. I inherited it from my mother. I call it the “Jean Gene”.

The thought process that is driven by this gene pretty much goes like this…”Bad guys are lurking all around. They are out to get you. Nobody is to be trusted. Be prepared to get them before they get you.”

Yesterday there was an older man walking through our neighborhood. He was smoking a cigarette and carrying a plastic cup, that I assume was full of something, judging by how carefully he was walking. I was sure that he was there to abduct a child…because don’t ALL child abductors stroll through neighborhoods while smoking a cigarette? He wasn’t on the walk for his health….right? Who smokes while they get exercise? It’s like eating a Twinkie while you are on the treadmill.

Anyway, I followed him in the car. Remember…they have to be more scared of YOU than you are of THEM…lol. I took the kids over to my Mom’s for a visit and I told her about the suspicious man.

I said, “Why did I get the paranoia gene? The ‘Jean Gene”?

She answered, “Because you are too trusting and naïve.”

hmmm.

Trusting, naïve people follow old men around the neighborhood because they think they are there to steal their children. Hmm…curious.

I asked,” How do I know if I’m psycho or not? Doesn’t following an old man around make me psycho?”

Her answer came from her Jean Gene. “When you see that he has been arrested on television…you will know you aren’t crazy.”

I started to recognize the “crazy” in myself. I sat on her couch, internally vowing to stop being psycho.

I told her that I got take out for dinner last night – at 9:55 pm – after a class at the hospital. I told her that I was worried about eating my pasta because I thought the cooks might have spit in it – since they were ticked off I ordered 5 minutes before closing.

I was waiting for her to comfort me and tell me I was being ridiculous.She didn’t. Instead, she shared a story of her own.

She told me she was recently at a restaurant and ordered a steak. She said, “I put A + D ointment on my steak, and that tasted pretty good…” -----

I interjected…..”You mean A1 sauce?”

“Yes….A1…not A & D”

She continued to tell me that there was another bottle labeled “House”….so she thought she would try that as well. She told me she started gagging and heaving into her napkin, because someone had urinated in the bottle.”

Joe sat there, shaking his head, “No” at me…insisting it wasn’t urine…..as she kept demanding that it was.

“It was toxic!”, she said.

I left more confused than ever.

Is she right? Can I trust someone, who slammed the dishwasher repairman against the wall because she thought he was an intruder, to assess my mental health?

p.s. Love you, Mommy….and I am honored to pass your legacy on to your grandchildren.

#3. There is peace in thinking before you speak.

I know. This is a novel idea for me. Late Halloween night, Courtney and I went through a drive thru. The guy working was wearing a banana costume. He was hanging out the window, smiling.

We pulled up to the window and he was grinning from ear to ear, as he told us how his brother was dressed up like a Gorilla that night. I started to say something and then felt the Spirit slap it’s hand over my mouth. It was like a choir of angels singing, “Shut Uuuuuuuuup!!!!”

I was GOING to tell him that the best part of his costume was his redneck teeth. A banana with redneck teeth…pretty funny stuff.

I then realized that he hadn’t blacked his teeth out with a marker. He was REALLY missing them. 

Can you imagine how devastated that poor kid would have been?

Thank you, Spirit.

The banana thanks you, too.