Today was the day. Bryce's one year check up. I threw my back out over the weekend......no, I wasn't bungee jumping......i didn't have a fall while ballroom dancing......i wasn't injured during a co-ed rugby match....i just bent over to pick up my shoes. It's never something glamorous. (Could be worse though - the last time my brother John threw his back out - it was because of vomiting).
Point of the story....I can't walk. I had to wait in the Dr.'s office for TWO stinking hours. Let me clarify....not the OFFICE - where the toys and entertainment are.......in the examination room - where there are four walls - a CLOSED door - a dangerous stool on wheels - and a huge butt, honking, horizontal mirror directly across from the two rigid waiting chairs....Oh and lest I forget- a bible "storybook" that has been violated by all manner of infectious salivations, bleedings, teethings, and likely, fecal mishaps.
My appointment was first thing in the morning. Since I couldn't walk - my friend Courtney was kind enough to endure the torture chamber with me. We sat for two hours staring at the mirror - reminded of how disgusting we both looked. She is a waif. 5'2". I was sitting next to her. I felt like a beast next to her. I have a good 8 inches on her - and we won't talk about how many pounds.
I sat staring in the mirror - feeling like this.....
We sat side by side....united in the depths of hell. Our misery was enjoyed with the sounds of Bradley yelling his "I'm about to hulk out of here" yell - and Bryce doing his "I'm so done with this cry." Two hours of this. Two hours of self loathing to the tune of blood pressure raising chaos.
I eventually opened the door - for my mental state. The nurses walked by with smug little looks on their faces. At one low point, I said, "That chick is a witch."
Wrong thing to say during Halloween season. "WHERE'S THE WITCH???? WHERE DID SHE GO???" Sticking his head out into the hall - calling her to come back. Not good.
They eventually came to give Bryce his five shots. Poor boy. I have a theory. When a authentically sweet baby comes in to the office - they "pretend" to inject him with the vaccines....but in actuality - they WITHDRAW the angel juices out of them for their scientific test tube baby experiments they are conducting.
They rob him of all sweetness and joy and leave me the remnants.....HELL seeds. 
Watered by ibuprofen - he soon blossoms into the devil himself. Hyperactive on a path of destruction in inconsolable misery. Most of your babies go to sleep on this stuff. Not my bear cubs. It's nothing but hell juice. The fine print says "may cause drowsiness or restlessness"...I'm the lottery winner. No naps for me!!!
It takes several days for the sweetness serum to regenerate in their little bodies....but the eventually do return.
In the meantime - I get to enjoy a couple days of low grade fever.....irritability.....LACK of napping......and hyperactivity. All while remembering the Sasquatch image that was burned on my brain during the two hours in the torture chamber.
Maybe I will join a fanatical home school group that's against vaccinations AND shaving legs. (let me qualify that statement by saying that not ALL homeschoolers are fanatical....but YOU know the ones I'm talking about....)
dude if your back is out, DO NOT shave your legs! That feels painful just thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteOh and what's WITH the Blue Bible Stories? I read the Noah story and it actually has a picture with Noah and all the animals on the ark...and PEOPLE DROWNING in the water. And then there's Noah's family SMILING while their homies in the water die...looking all smug like "wow, you should have listened. It's chill up in here with the bees and the armadillo. Bet you wish YOU were 3 feet away from a man eating tiger, instead of dying down there. Pity."
I mean, yeah, that COULD be how it really went down...but kind of graphic for the 3 yr old, don't ya think?