Couples Therapy Failure

Chuck and I have tried couple's therapy.
We have exhausted every effort to reconcile our relationship.
It's just not going to work out.
I still loathe him.

Bradley was invited over to "his place" for a little birthday party today.
We brushed shoulders but didn't speak.
Who needed words? Our eyes said it all. He glared at me with equal disdain.
Bradley, not seeing through ridiculous rat costume, was thrilled to be there.

The innocence of childhood filled his eyes as he dropped token after token into the games. He was so proud of each and every ticket he won. He had worked HARD for those 160 tickets. 2 hours spent toiling over whack-a-mole, skeeball, and trying to make quarters lose their balance. 160 tickets.

He eagerly went to the ticket counter. He pointed at the pink, artificial tongue on the back shelf with the "300 points" sign next to it. Surely he wasn't pointing to THAT.

"What? You want the curly straw? Ok, he'll take two of those...one for his sister"

(shrieks of terror coming from Bradley)
"I WANT THE PINK THING!"

"Okay - he will have three laffy taffy's"
(the disgruntled teenager rolls his eyes as he slams them on the counter)

"NOOOOO! The pink thing! I wanted the pink thing!"

"The tongue?", I asked with disgust.

"Yes! I wanted the tongue! I wanted the tongue!"

I hurried him to the car after the other teenager verified that he was truly my son under his magic blue light...the power had obviously gone to his head long ago.

"I want the tongue!" he screamed in the car "It's all your fault!"

I snapped.
"Actually - it's Chucky's fault. That tongue was 300 tickets. He makes all of the good prizes cost too much so none of the little kids can ever win it. He keeps the good toys to himself and makes sure all you will ever win is twirly straws, rubber snakes, spider rings and old candy. He takes our money - gives us junk toys and a nasty virus and sends us on our way."

Silence in the rear of the car.

"Chuck E. Cheese is a jerk", he angrily said as he glared out the window.

When we got home he continued, "Let's never go back and make him close forever!"

Mission Accomplished. The Rat Bastard has officially been exterminated.

(two more children to indoctrinate.)

p.s. tonight Tom went in to tuck Bradley into bed when he said, "Daddy...YOU say the prayer and that Chuck E. Cheese in a jerk"....... he even wants God to know about his evil antics.

The Difference

There is a difference. A big difference.

Between what?
A "vacation" and a "trip".

I just got home from a trip.

When you go on a vacation - you need no motivation to pack. It is a pleasure...exciting, even.

A trip? Cussing the entire time...feeling like you are packing the entire house just for a couple of days away. A torturous process of searching for matching shoes...a last minute load of laundry to remedy an unexpected underwear shortage...getting frustrated at the details - such as the need for a sippy cups in the car and remembering your child wears diapers - AFTER the suitcase is full.

When you go on vacation everything falls into place...almost flawlessly.

A trip? The universe is against you. Last minute car maintenance and cleaning is needed the day of the trip. You are well over your miles for an oil change and you somehow don't think the kids will appreciate using the pile of petrified chicken nuggets as an ottoman.

If someone is going to get sick - they do so BEFORE you leave on vacation.

A trip? The child waits until you are AT your destination and then vomit in their car seat. The freshly cleaned minivan now smells of a Parmesan cheese filled day care center.

On vacation - you go out to eat and enjoy the evening with your sweet family.

A trip? Your kids form a coup and revolt against you. They divide and conquer. One crawls under the table...one runs around it...and the other starts yelling "Piehole!" Your expensive meal is delivered and immediately packaged up into carry out containers...the kids scream the entire way back to the hotel.

On vacation - you go somewhere exciting and new.

A trip? Usually the destination is somewhere they are too familiar with. As a child I remember going to visit my grandma and sitting for HOURS - staring up at the glittery popcorn ceiling as we played "slap jack" with an incomplete set of face cards. Walking to the convenience store was the highlight.....candy cigarettes to symbolize our rebellion. Lucky for my children...their grandma doesn't get mad when they pillage through her things and "put on a show". MY grandma would have beat the crap out of me.

On a vacation - the kids show off your great parenting skills.

A trip? The kids go to all lengths to PROVE to your mother in law that you don't know jack about raising kids. They do not listen. They do not obey. They push every limit. They do the opposite of everything they have ever been taught - and act like a bunch of uncontrollable, barnyard animals. No pleases. No thank you's. Lots of talk of body parts and bodily functions. Yelling, hyperactive, bouncing of the walls....little beasts.

Instead of showing her this:

They show her nothing but this:

But she still finds it in her to love...
(though she probably wouldn't mind a little slap)

On vacation - the weather is perfect.

A trip? A snow storm comes through - in MARCH and forces you out of town. You packed for the weather you had expected...shorts, tees, and flip flops - only to look like negligent parents as you take them out in public.....freezing drizzle falling around you - ice cold wind turning your baby's shivering lips, blue.

On vacation - time flies.

A trip? Clocks stop. "Are we there yet" begins in the driveway with a steady 2 minute reverberating pulse for the duration of the trip. The last 90 minutes they amp it up to asking once every minute. Boredom sets in and the parents become the target of their animosity. The whining....the bickering....the kicking of the seats......the having to go to the bathroom out of hopes of scoring a treat at the gas station.

You don't want vacation to end.

A trip? Home has never sounded so sweet. You pile everything back into the suitcases and just want to get the hell out of there. You don't shower the morning you leave. You throw on yesterdays clothes - pull your hair back in a tie - brush your teeth - but leave your mascara raccoon eyes. You don't care if your bra is on. Your pride is gone and you just want to be home.

"THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST VACATION EVER!"
(The phrase Tommy T says at the beginning of every adventure)

On the way home - I had to break it to him.
"They can't all be vacations", I said.

"This was DEFINITELY a TRIP".

Oh, and by the way....Bradley is vomiting now....it's his turn.

This was Spring Break. "Break" from what, exactly?

Center Stage

Karah and I went to Walmart this afternoon to stock up on groceries after returning
from Spring Break.

My cart was full.
The store was packed for a Friday afternoon.

We checked out and were leaving the store when we heard
a woman screaming, "MA'AM ... MA'AM!"

We turned to see what the ruckus was all about and were shocked
to see she was pointing directly at me.

"YOUR MILK IS LEAKING!", she screamed.

Without thinking -
I grabbed both of my breasts and looked down at my chest...frozen in place.

She continued to yell...pointing to the floor... "No! Your milk! It's leaking!"

I looked down - horrified - to see a trail of milk leading from my cart.
My breasts were dry.

The realization quickly set in that I had just grabbed my breasts in front of a large audience.
I was now center stage on the Walmart Freak Show.
Me....and poor Karah.

"Checker-outer's" were chuckling in their lines....at me.

"I guess I have been lactating too long", I said to break the ice
with the Walmart associate and the onlooking crowd...
...only to turn my head and see Brother Saumweber from church -
standing across from me.... alot-o-bit red in the face...front row seat.

What makes this story so horrible is that it shouldn't have even happened.

I am not even lactating anymore!!!
The kitchen is closed.
Bryce has been "dry" for quite some time...
it was merely a natural reaction of a woman that has breastfed too much in past years.

I suppose it is similar to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
War veterans hear a boom and duck for cover.

I hear "Your milk is leaking!" and I grab my breasts.

I shall name my condition
"PTLD"
Post Traumatic Lactating Disorder.

I will be shopping at The Neighborhood Market....until further notice.

While you were sleeping...

Little Bear Cubs,
This weekend your Daddy and I flew away to celebrate our 10 year anniversary.

We snuck in your rooms and watched you sleep before we left. You didn't know it...but you were showered with kisses. Here is what went down while you were sleeping...It was still dark when we arrived at the airport. A front row parking space was waiting for us...like it had saved itself just for us. Was it a sign that we were about to embark on a perfect anniversary trip? Absolutely, it was a sign.

It had been a decade since our big day.
10 years of marriage....
A beautiful 10 years.

I have to admit it was a teensey bit nice flying without you. There was no treat bag to wrangle...no song and dance to keep you entertained. It was just me and him. Trading back scratches...reading our books...and napping while holding hands. It was a dream.

We were alone....and we were giddy.

When we arrived in Phoenix, we headed to Richardson's for some Mexican. On the way we saw this guy with a prosthetic leg. We thought you would think it was cool.

We arrived at the JW Marriott Desert Ridge Resort and Spa.
Oohlala.

It was a paradise.

They knew it was our anniversary, so they put us in a room with a great view.



They even delivered us chocolate covered strawberries...
You would have loved them!
We forgot to take a picture for you...
until AFTER we had eaten them.

oh yes, we fed the champagne to the bathroom sink.

Even our bathroom was lovely.

We changed clothes and headed to the Mesa Temple.


It was so great to begin the celebration of our love - the same way we began our marriage.
In the temple.

In peace and serenity, we were reminded of all of the covenants
we have made with each other...
as we were also reminded that you are sealed to us forever.
Forever Our Little Bear Cubs.

Just thinking about that made mama cry happy tears.

The smell of flowers filled the air as we walked the grounds.

Even the birdies love it there.

We went back to walk the grounds of the resort before we headed out to dinner. We laughed and talked about all of the things you would love here.

And how we want to bring you here someday.

The grounds were incredible...

But the best part was just walking and talking with him.

We relaxed in the lobby until our "ride" arrived.

Daddy sang "my song" to me.

We watched the people...and ducks....that came through the lobby.

The sun was setting....and our "ride" arrived!

A limo came. The driver said, "I have a red carpet - do you want me to roll it out for you?"
When we stopped laughing....we said, "No."

We had some sparkling cider...but were still drunk with love.

The driver took us to The White Chocolate Grill....our NEW favorite restaurant. WOW.

Great casual atmosphere....INCREDIBLY FRESH food!
Ribs that literally fell off the bones...
amazing Israeli Couscous...
glazed carrots you wouldn't believe
and for dessert....
Bread pudding...out of this world....
made with croissants.

I hate to admit it....but it even beats The River Grille...our old favorite.

A comfy drive back and we found ourselves in our room....
The sound of music drifting in our room with the cool, desert wind.
People below gathered around the fire pits...

The next morning we slept in. Glorious.

We enjoyed breakfast out on the patio.

We talked about how much you guys would love the breakfast here.
How Bradley would eat a plate of bacon and Karah would eat a plate of berries...we spoke of how cute Bryce is and how big he is getting.
We were in awe at how much we love each of you little bear cubs.

Our table was nestled in the corner...with this view. We watched a bird as it gathered strips of palm leaves for the nest it was building.

Our food arrived....amazing blue corn pancakes!

We lounged in our room until it was time for our pedicure appointment.

The spa had a great relaxation room for each of us to enjoy.

The pedicures were great.
Tom's lady had given a pedicure to Whitney Houston before.
Daddy almost painted his toes purple for you, Boo :)

We then went to the spa's serenity pool were we slept in the shade of our cabana.
We read and enjoyed fresh fruit and yogurt that they brought to us.
We soaked in the hot tub.
We talked about getting into the serenity pool but decided that we would probably get kicked out when Daddy started launching me through the air like he loves to do. After a couple of hours we decided to head out to the lazy river....the kid zone.

We had the best time there! My tube was overinflated and impossible to get on.
We laughed and laughed as I made a fool of myself.
Daddy hopped on his tube, but his bathing suit slipped down.
Any child with goggles was likely getting more than he bargained for.

We pool hopped until we had experienced it all. One last soak in the hot tub and we were off to get ready for our next outing.

We headed downtown and saw Les Miserables.
It was incredible - a small, intimate theater.
It was more powerful than we remember it being in Chicago.
Your mama cried the entire time.

During intermission we got to "admire" some of the art institutes "work".

The bickies.

The ginormous boobies.

The headless.
The body-less.


We were happy when it was time for the show to resume.

After the show we headed off to the Phoenix Suns basketball game.
We had great half court seats.


We got to see Shaq and Nash up close....just like on TV.
They didn't say Hi to us.
Rude.

I have to admit my favorite part was the sexy grandma's that danced for us.

The hot dogs were nasty. NASTY.


When we got back to our room we lounged as we talked about ways we can
be better to each other in the next 10 years.
The perfect conversation.
We ordered room service for a late...very late....dinner.

Sleeping in again.
Breakfast at the Blue Sage.
Another walk through the grounds.

And home to you we came.

More in love with each other than ever.

More in love with you, little bear cubs....
than ever.

All this while you were sleeping little bear cubs....all this.

I love you...more than all this,
The Mama Bear