John and Tom "isms". Reader Discretion Advised.

I woke up at the crack of dawn to go paint shopping with my little brother John....age 32...so I suppose I can stop calling him "little". He is painting his baby's room....which will make her debut in May.
He took me to McDonald's for breakfast....he ordered the "McGriddle". He was shocked and almost disgusted when I told him that I have never had one.

"It's the perfect blend of sweet and savory....you have the spiciness of the sausage and the muffin is infused with sweet syrup pockets!"

Later, while chewing he said, "I am a true addict. I know what happens to me if I eat this, but I eat it anyway."

"What will happen?", I ask.

"BU. " he replied (pronounced Boo)
Definition - Butt Urine aka severe diarrhea

He chewed on, introspectively.

After selecting the perfect shade of paint...we headed back home so John could meet Tommy T in time to go to the gun show. Men aren't supposed to buy paint and go home and actually paint. They are supposed to go to gun shows - and let it "mix" a little more as it rolls around in the back seat of their truck. This is a common condition I refer to as, "mancrastination".

While driving home, we sat at a stop light. It turned green and as soon as we started accelerating through the intersection - a handicapped minivan with a Senior Citizen at the helm - pulled out in front of us.

"Freakin' Grey Hair!", he exclaimed.
He then noticed the handicapped license plate and quickly corrected himself.

"No, actually....GOOD FOR YOU! No seriously! GOOD FOR YOU!
That's awesome! An aggressive, handicapped driver!
Good for you! I have respect for someone who cuts me off and then exceeds the speed limit.
I just got "pwnd" by an old person."

(definition of "pwnd" - (pronounced pooned) - a leetspeak slang term, derived from the word "own", that implies domination or humiliation of a rival.

We arrived back at my house to find Tom sitting in MY office, festering in a thick, hot, odor - which was eerily similar to what John produces after ingesting a "McGriddle".

"You are sick!", I said. "You are fine sitting in here - just simmering in this stench! You are so nasty!"

"Whaaaaat?", he asked innocently. "I don't smell anything!"
(chuckling to show me he was fully aware of the smell I was referring to).

"Are you serious? You're trying to tell me you don't smell that!!!?"

"A fox can't smell it's own hole", he replied smugly.

John and Tom. Made for each other.

They climbed into the truck - which would soon be converted into a septic tank on wheels.
Off to the gun show they went....likely to find a convention center
packed with men of equal colonic caliber.

They may be nasty....but I love them.