I once read a book that had a profound impact on the way that I mother....
"12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know" by Michele Borba. (Click for more info).
"12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know" by Michele Borba. (Click for more info).
One of the secrets of mothering was:
"A Mother who is firm and fair gives her children a moral code to live by."
This is based on setting consistent limits and standards of behavior so "your child learns to act right without you."
It was said that "Just and Consistent" discipline would benefit your children by giving them stability, a sense of responsibility and inner direction.
I believe this wholeheartedly...but acting on it is SO hard at times!!
Last night was a real test for Tom and I.
We had given her permission to go to a school carnival with a neighbor friend on Friday night.
She was SO excited...girls night out.
After dinner last night- she asked if she could play outside before homework.
The previous night she had given me fits about her homework.
I said, "You can play outside...but when I call you in...you can't fuss...and you can't give me fits when you do your homework. If you do fuss and throw a fit...you won't be able to go to the carnival tomorrow night."
She was distracted.
I had her look me in the eyes and I repeated the deal.
She confirmed her understanding and then sealed the deal with a pinky promise.
It was time to come in. She did so cheerfully.
Then homework time.
Not so cheerfully.
Fits, fits, fits.
Tears and more fits.
We told her that she hadn't kept her half of the promise and she wouldn't be able to go to the carnival. Holy meltdown.
Tom told her to get ready for bed and she could wake up early to complete her homework in the morning. More of a meltdown.
She got her jammies on and couldn't sleep. She kept coming down....crying....uncontrollably.
Tom and I were both so sad that she hadn't kept her promise...and even sadder that we had to keep ours.
It SUCKS!!
It was so pitiful....so sad.
We wanted to just say "Apologize and you can go."
We WANTED her to be able to go!!
But no, we knew we had to be firm.
After another hour of tears - Tom told her to go upstairs and write down her feelings since she was so upset she couldn't even form a sentence.
She came down with this:
And then this....
When she didn't get the response she had hoped for - she returned with this:
Tom told her that this wasn't about what she wanted - it was about her poor choices...and what she'd done wrong.
She left again for a long time and finally returned with this:
She got hugs and kisses and went back to bed....for a minute...and came back with this:
(translated: "crushed" heart)
True remorse was setting in...finally.....though she STILL held out hopes that she could go to the carnival - as illustrated in her final plea:
She came and gave me one last hug goodnight and said, "Mama, will you talk with Daddy about it tonight?" (come to find out she had already been to see Tom - given him the hug - and requested he talk with me about it, as well :)
She went to bed and whimpered herself to sleep.
We talked. The verdict was reached.
This morning I woke her up and it was the first question out of her mouth...
"Did you talk about it with Dad?"
"Yes, we talked and we want more than anything for you to be able to go to the carnival...but you broke a promise and threw fits all night. The problem is there has to be a punishment. You can't just say "sorry" and you are off the hook. So we decided you have a choice. You can stay home from the carnival tomorrow night...or you can stay inside after school today - not play with your friends- and help me do chores for 2 hours until it's time to go to the carnival."
She threw her arms around me and squeezed me tighter than she ever had.
This is why I love that book.
Before - I would have been hung up on the "firm and consistent" part.
This brought in an entirely new concept...."Fair".
She had suffered. She had done her time.
She felt remorse.
She is going to pay restitution after school :)
This mothering thing could drive me to drink.
But how could I not love it?
Look at those notes!!
"A Mother who is firm and fair gives her children a moral code to live by."
This is based on setting consistent limits and standards of behavior so "your child learns to act right without you."
It was said that "Just and Consistent" discipline would benefit your children by giving them stability, a sense of responsibility and inner direction.
I believe this wholeheartedly...but acting on it is SO hard at times!!
Last night was a real test for Tom and I.
We had given her permission to go to a school carnival with a neighbor friend on Friday night.
She was SO excited...girls night out.
After dinner last night- she asked if she could play outside before homework.
The previous night she had given me fits about her homework.
I said, "You can play outside...but when I call you in...you can't fuss...and you can't give me fits when you do your homework. If you do fuss and throw a fit...you won't be able to go to the carnival tomorrow night."
She was distracted.
I had her look me in the eyes and I repeated the deal.
She confirmed her understanding and then sealed the deal with a pinky promise.
It was time to come in. She did so cheerfully.
Then homework time.
Not so cheerfully.
Fits, fits, fits.Tears and more fits.
We told her that she hadn't kept her half of the promise and she wouldn't be able to go to the carnival. Holy meltdown.
Tom told her to get ready for bed and she could wake up early to complete her homework in the morning. More of a meltdown.
She got her jammies on and couldn't sleep. She kept coming down....crying....uncontrollably.
Tom and I were both so sad that she hadn't kept her promise...and even sadder that we had to keep ours.
It SUCKS!!
It was so pitiful....so sad.
We wanted to just say "Apologize and you can go."
We WANTED her to be able to go!!
But no, we knew we had to be firm.
After another hour of tears - Tom told her to go upstairs and write down her feelings since she was so upset she couldn't even form a sentence.
She came down with this:
And then this....
When she didn't get the response she had hoped for - she returned with this:
Tom told her that this wasn't about what she wanted - it was about her poor choices...and what she'd done wrong.
She left again for a long time and finally returned with this:
She got hugs and kisses and went back to bed....for a minute...and came back with this:
(translated: "crushed" heart)True remorse was setting in...finally.....though she STILL held out hopes that she could go to the carnival - as illustrated in her final plea:
She came and gave me one last hug goodnight and said, "Mama, will you talk with Daddy about it tonight?" (come to find out she had already been to see Tom - given him the hug - and requested he talk with me about it, as well :)
She went to bed and whimpered herself to sleep.
We talked. The verdict was reached.
This morning I woke her up and it was the first question out of her mouth...
"Did you talk about it with Dad?"
"Yes, we talked and we want more than anything for you to be able to go to the carnival...but you broke a promise and threw fits all night. The problem is there has to be a punishment. You can't just say "sorry" and you are off the hook. So we decided you have a choice. You can stay home from the carnival tomorrow night...or you can stay inside after school today - not play with your friends- and help me do chores for 2 hours until it's time to go to the carnival."
She threw her arms around me and squeezed me tighter than she ever had.
This is why I love that book.
Before - I would have been hung up on the "firm and consistent" part.
This brought in an entirely new concept...."Fair".
She had suffered. She had done her time.
She felt remorse.
She is going to pay restitution after school :)
This mothering thing could drive me to drink.
But how could I not love it?
Look at those notes!!
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Thank you for sharing you insights. I strive to be firm and consistent...no one ever told me that I could be FAIR too! My children should love you forever for this one....too bad that I will get all the credit! =) Buying this book ASAP!
ReplyDeleteSarah, way to stick to your word, while coming to a fair punishment. It's so hard to follow through sometimes, when they are SO sad. But you have to follow through so they know you are serious, and won't continute to misbehave & walk all over you. You handled it beautifully, and I'm sure it made a very lasting impression and she will remember it for a long time--both the fact that she was punished & heart broken, but also that you were loving & consistent & FAIR, and came to a conclusion where she still had to live with some consequenses, but earned her right back, to go have fun. Way to go! That sounds like a great book. I think I'll have to go buy it! :)
ReplyDelete