Schizophrenia...every woman's right

Courtney and I have been planning to attend Time Out for Women for months. At the last minute, I started having second thoughts. I worried about leaving Brycer for two days..."what will he think? will he think I abandoned him? will he think I am not coming back?" I convinced myself that I would be a crappy mother if I left and I cancelled our plans to go. Instead, we would spend the day shopping for Halloween decorations.

I invite you to enjoy my journey of schizophrenic thoughts today:

• (crying) I miss Bradley so much when he is at preschool. It is so lonely without my little buddy around!
• (later in the afternoon - Bradley is crying) Why can't preschool last the entire day?

• I should really stick around and NOT go out of town- what if Bryce totally weans himself and is done with me when I get back in town!
• (later in the day when I am bitten during a 'bored afternoon snack') Why in the hell am I still breastfeeding this child? He has the teeth of a 40 year old truck driver.

• I need to stay in town so I can be a good mama.
• I need to get out of here so I can be a good mama.

• "I'm going to get a grilled chicken sandwich and fruit from Chick-fil-A"
• "I'm going to get a fried sandwich with waffle fries and a brownie"
• "You will NOT!"
• "I will!"
• "shut up! stop talking to me! stop! (begin beating myself in head as I drive away with the grilled)

• "I'm going to do a load of laundry"
• "I'm going to unload the dishwasher"
• "I'm going to declutter my bathroom"
• (attempt all individually at a sporadic pace and FAIL at every one of them)

This is just a random sampling of a never ending stream of conflicting thoughts that I have had today. It has been ridiculous. Tommy T finally got annoyed.

"You ARE going to Time out for Women. I AM staying home with the kids. You will NOT rob me of this chance to the fun things with them that I have planned. I WILL keep them alive. I WILL feed your children and not allow any of them to fall down the stairs or choke on a water cap. YOU ARE GOING!!!!"

This came after approximately 24 hours of vacillating. It seems he didn't enjoy the ping pong of my emotions.

Why are chicks CFK? (Cu-Freaking-Koo) When I called the mental health line this afternoon - this is what the recording said,"

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

Due to my constant indecisiveness and lack of productivity today - I have an empty suitcase and no clean clothes. I have packed my skivies and my toothbrush. I will then go to the mall and pray I am a little more decisive than I have been today. If not - see you tomorrow night!!!!